WWOW! what a shame

Shame is a challenging emotion that can arise when an individual perceives that they have failed to meet certain expectations or standards, either set by themselves or by others. It can originate from deep within, or it can be foisted upon someone, perhaps as a result of public or social judgment.

Shame can involve a sense of unworthiness, humiliation, and a feeling of being exposed or vulnerable. It can cause individuals to feel isolated and disconnected from others, as they believe that they are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love or acceptance. Shame can be triggered by a wide range of experiences, such as being rejected by a loved one, failing to achieve a goal, or being publicly criticised or humiliated.

Shame is not the same as guilt, which is a feeling of remorse or responsibility for a specific action or behaviour. While guilt can motivate individuals to take corrective action, shame is more likely to lead to avoidance or a sense of powerlessness. It is important to distinguish between healthy shame, which is a temporary emotion that helps individuals to learn from their mistakes, and toxic shame, which is a pervasive and long-lasting feeling of inadequacy and self-blame.

causes of shame:

personal failure:

One of the primary causes of shame is perceived personal failure. When an individual fails to achieve their goals or objectives, they may experience a sense of shame and embarrassment. This could be related to academic performance, career, personal relationships, or any other area of life where an individual feels they have not met their own or society's expectations. Perceived failure as opposed to the failure ‘being objectively true’ is a key concept here. After years of self-reflection, research & a lot of therapy, I now primarily judge my personal successes by measuring the strength of the correlation between the actions I take that are genuinely in line with my values.

I place less attention to how others’ judge me or how society decides to reward or ‘punish me’ financially. ‘Shame your mind don’t shine like your possessions do’ is one of my favourite lines by the band Faithless, from the song ‘I want more’. I often mess-up. I often wander into the wilderness & stumble & fall over. But I get back up & try & keep my values as the key compass for the choices I make. I now take really seriously the importance of living & acting in line with my values. I’ve learnt from bitter experience that significant deviations from my true (higher) self can cause me intense shame, self-loathing, anxiety, depression - leading to chronic isolation which further fuels the shame spiral.

social comparison:

In today's society, there is a constant pressure to measure up to social norms and standards. Social comparison is the tendency to compare oneself to others, particularly those who are perceived to be more successful or attractive. When an individual feels they fall short of these standards, they may experience shame. We compare & despair.

Social media often exacerbates feelings of inadequacy. Online it is tempting to compare our insides with their outsides. Facebook, for example, often seems to be a form of personal propaganda to present only our best sides & can be a rather ostentatious display of ‘just how great our lives are.’ While social media can be a force for good the potentially harmful effects of social comparison suggest it’s wise to use social media judiciously.

trauma and abuse:

Trauma and abuse can also lead to shame. When an individual has experienced a traumatic event or has been subjected to abuse, they may feel shame as if they were somehow responsible for the situation. This can be particularly true in cases of sexual assault or abuse. It is a cruel psychological phenomena that the survivors of abuse, whatever form the abuse takes, often feel the emotions that really belong to their oppressor, often for many years if not for the rest of their lives.

cultural expectations:

Cultural expectations can also play a role in the experience of shame. For example, in some cultures, there may be specific expectations around gender roles or family obligations. When an individual deviates from these expectations, they may feel a sense of shame.

internalised messages:

Messages that an individual internalises from their environment, such as their family or society, can contribute to feelings of shame. These messages may suggest that certain emotions or behaviours are unacceptable or unworthy, leading to a sense of shame when those emotions or behaviours are expressed. This is a big one for me. Growing up with a ‘mad & bad’ Dad is a wound for which I’m still trying to recover.

impacts of shame:

Shame can result in a wide range of factors and can have significant impacts on an individual’s emotional, physical & spiritual wellbeing.

Shame can have both positive and negative aspects. On the one hand, it can be a useful tool for promoting moral behaviour, as it helps individuals to recognise when they have acted inappropriately and motivates them to change their behaviour. On the other hand, chronic or excessive shame can be harmful to an individual's mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being.

mental health:

Shame can have a significant impact on an individual's mental health. It can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. In some cases, shame can also lead to more severe mental health issues including psychosis. Reality can become simply too painful & so the mind tries to ‘escape into madness’.

relationships:

Shame can impact an individual's relationships with others. When an individual experiences shame, they may withdraw from others or struggle to form and maintain relationships. This can be particularly true in cases where the shame is related to sexual or romantic experiences.

physical health:

Shame can also impact an individual's physical health. Shame can lead to stress and anxiety, which can have negative effects on physical health. Shame has also been linked to increased risk for substance abuse and other harmful behaviours. When I feel low I often overeat despite knowing that feelings don’t live in the fridge! My huge weight gain over the last few years has caused me quite a lot of body shame.

self-worth:

Shame can significantly impact an individual's self-worth. When an individual experiences shame, they may begin to doubt their own value. This can lead to a negative self-image and a lack of confidence in their abilities. In abusive & controlling relationships shame is often used as a weapon leading to ‘psychic injuries’ & a means to control the target of the shame. A major reason many of us, including me, allow others to treat us unkindly.

It’s not that long ago that in some schools, if a teacher wanted to discipline (but really humiliate) a wayward child, the child would be forced to stand at the front of the class wearing a ‘dunce cap’. Public humiliation can be devastatingly effective in controlling society - such tactics were used by Hitler in Germany; in Mao’s China & by the Klu Klux Klan in the USA.

Shame sometimes makes it harder for me to promote this blog & buddi bench. I have to fight feelings of shame & thoughts of: ‘what do you have to offer Seth? No-one wants to hear it. Check your ego & your privilege & be quiet’.

ways to manage shame:

seek support:

One of the most effective ways to manage shame is to seek support. This may include talking to a therapist, joining a support group, or reaching out to friends or family members. Therapy is effectively a means of gradual shame reduction. Sharing is caring. Writing a blog like this has been very helpful in allowing me to further process some of my own shame. Though I wouldn’t recommend blogging for everyone - although I enjoy this process - it does bring-up some difficult stuff up (partly the reason I’ve struggled to publish this blog post). These days many people go online for support. I try & remind myself that when online, there is no guarantee that everyone has my best interest at heart & will respond to my struggles with compassion. Blogging not only leaves me feeling vulnerable but does in reality make me more vulnerable. Anyone that chooses to be unkind to me, now or in the future, which is inevitable, now has more ammunition!

make peace with the ‘inner critic’:

When an individual experiences shame, they may have negative thoughts about themselves or their situation. Showing compassion to these negative thoughts can help an individual to reframe their experience and develop a more positive self-image.

why compassion is the best treatment for shame:

A compelling argument to avoid the temptation to shame someone is that it generally makes things worse all round. If your sincere goal is to improve someones disagreeable conduct (rather than just the catharsis of directing anger towards them & encouraging others to do the same) then it is wise to remember that ‘sunlight is the best disinfectant’. This quote is often attributed to the progressive American jurist and legal scholar, Louis Brandeis. At the time it was a reference to the idea that transparency and openness can help to prevent corruption and promote accountability.

This idea has been applied in various contexts, including politics, business, and the legal system. For example, in politics, increased transparency and public scrutiny of political processes can help to prevent corruption and ensure that politicians are held accountable for their actions. In business, companies can promote transparency by disclosing their financial information and practices, making it easier for stakeholders to assess their performance and ensure that they are acting in a responsible and ethical manner.

It’s tempting to see our shaming of transgressors as being akin to the David & Goliath struggle; the silenced getting a voice; citizen justice. Having these urges is completely understandable - I have the urge to hurt more than I care to admit. The problem is that shaming someone or something often results in that person or thing retreating to the shadows. There can be some horrible unintended consequences. Unfortunately humans & unkind behaviour tend to thrive in the darkness. Shame cycles, far from making things better, tend to keep people locked into acting out unhealthy & undesirable behaviours.

Sunlight can be an effective way to kill bed bugs, but it's not a guarantee. Sunlight is most effective at killing bed bugs when it is direct and intense - think of the impact of a ‘transgressor’ being in therapy. Bed bugs are ectothermic, which means that their body temperature is regulated by the environment. Just like our behaviours can be affected by our peers. By shining a light on problems and making them visible, people can identify and address issues more effectively.

The next time I’m tempted to focus shame on someone I hope I can pause, be patient & remain curious. I hope to seek first to understand. If someone offers a sincere mea culpa I hope I can forgive them.

the problem with throwing excrement at others is you now have excrement on your own hands

shaming can be dangerously simplistic & divisive

everyone is either a hero or a villain

I remain determined to fight for the grey area in a black & white world