perfectly imperfect

In a hyper-competitive world, it is easy to fall into the trap of demanding perfection in all areas of our lives. Many people live, both consciously or unconsciously, in a state of underlying anxiety. We have a fear, for example, that any day now we’ll be ‘found out’, that we’re pretending to be competent at work & really we’re inadequate in so many ways; we are fundamentally flawed.

Some argue that one of our most common fears as humans, when you strip away all our ‘defence mechanisms’ & get beneath all the bluster, is we secretly suspect we are charlatans - frauds. We have a vague sense that we’re ‘blagging it’ & so far no-one seems to have noticed. For me, a sense of impending ridicule if not outright humiliation is never far from the surface however well I present myself.

Take this blog for example. I set myself the goal of writing one post a week yet failed to do this within a few days of making this resolution. I even tried to make myself ‘accountable’ by sharing this intention with you in an earlier post. My disappointment at not sticking to my ‘post-a-week’ commitment lurks around the edges of my awareness & leaves me with an uncomfortable sense of ‘failure’. A familiar sense of shame and frustration at breaking this simple commitment is not only a little embarrassing but also demoralising. My ‘inner critic’ seems to want to judge and punish me for ‘yet again falling short & messing up’.

What to do?

Accept that I’m perfectly imperfect.

We all are.

The Japanese have a lovely way of relating to imperfections. ‘Kintsugi’ (‘golden joinery’) is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise. The idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.

Leonard Cohen, the legendary Canadian poet and singer, writes in his song ‘Anthem’ from the 1992 album ‘The Future’, a profound message of hope in darkness:

‘Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack, a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in.’

Naturally the Buddhists have something to say about imperfections and the temporary nature of everything.

‘You see this goblet?’ asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. ‘For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.’

From ‘Thoughts Without a Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective’ by Mark Epstein.

What about the near-universal fear of parents that they have been found wanting in raising their children?

D.W. Winnicott was a British psychoanalyst and pediatrician who lived from 1896 to 1971. He was a prominent figure in the field of child development and made significant contributions to our understanding of the caregivers-child relationship and the impact it has on the child's emotional and psychological development.

One of the most helpful ideas Winnicott gifted to the world was the idea of ‘good enough’.

Winnicott argued that a ‘good enough’ caregiver is one who provides a balanced mix of emotional support, empathy, and appropriate limits and boundaries for their child. A ‘good enough’ caregiver is one who provides a supportive and nurturing environment while also allowing the child to explore and make mistakes. They do not try to control or manipulate the child's development but instead allow the child to take the lead, while also setting appropriate limits and boundaries. This balance between support and autonomy helps the child develop a strong sense of self, which will serve them well throughout their lives.

A key function of ‘good enough’ parenting is to provide the essential background to allow for the growing child's disillusionment with the caregivers and the world, without destroying their appetite for life and ability to accept (external and internal) reality. By surviving the child's anger and frustration with the necessary disillusionments of life, the ‘good enough parents' would enable their child to relate to them on an ongoing and more realistic basis. As Winnicott put it, it is ’the good-enough environmental provision’ which makes it possible for the offspring to ‘cope with the immense shock of loss of omnipotence’.

Not only was Winnicott nudging us all to be better caregivers but he was also encouraging us to be a bit more compassionate towards our own inevitable flaws. He was concerned about the growing trend of professionals (such as psychologists, pediatricians, and social workers) who were intruding into the family and offering advice and guidance on how to raise children. He believed that this intrusion was often unwarranted and could be harmful to both the parent and the child. Winnicott wanted to provide support for what he called: ‘the sound instincts of normal parents...stable and healthy families’.

Winnicott saw the ‘good enough parent’ as a way to defend the ordinary care provider from some of these intrusive experts, by recognising and valuing the important role that parents play in the development of their children. He emphasised that the caregiver-child relationship is a unique and intimate bond that should not be interfered with by outside professionals, unless there is a clear need for intervention.

Winnicott also believed that the ‘good enough parent’ was a more realistic and attainable standard than the perfectionism that was often demanded by some experts. He recognised that parenting is a complex and challenging task that involves making mistakes, and that it is unrealistic to expect parents to be perfect. He saw the 'good enough’ parent as one who provides a supportive and nurturing environment while also allowing the child to develop their own sense of self and independence.

Winnitcott was not ‘anti-the-professional’ - he was, after all, a professional himself. It seems he simply felt the need to champion the right of humans to be flawed yet valuable.

If you remember anything from this blog post I would encourage you to remember the phrase ‘good enough’.

‘Good enough’ has become a well-used mantra of mine I use to make peace with imperfection. It has proved to be a powerful antidote to the distress caused by bouts of relentless rumination as to my real or perceived sense of inadequacies or failings.

Winnicott developed the ‘good enough’ idea with the healthy care of children as its focus. I suggest that the idea of not being perfect but ‘good enough’ is an incredibly self-compassionate mindset & a useful concept for most human endeavours & angst. Indeed, I know this blog post isn’t perfect & I’m already imagining your criticisms as to my hackneyed attempts to write something clever. I already feel a bit disappointed in this musing before I’ve even published it. Yet I leave my desk saying quietly to myself that I’ve tried my best and this is ‘good enough.’

Despite our imperfections, or maybe because of them, it’s worth remembering that:

human beings are not mathematical problems to be solved

we are sunsets in which to be in awe