getting attached?
This blog post on attachment theory is a bit more formal than my usual style. Partly this is due to me learning-as-I-go a bit on this topic. It is also longer than my general ideal but I reckon it needs to be to do the ideas justice. And while this may demand a few more minutes of y0ur time to read it I'm hopeful that it could save you years worth of unnecessary distress.
I begin with an overview of the origins of attachment theory. I then cover the four main attachment styles & how they might manifest in a child & then later when the child becomes an adult. I reflect a little on my own possible attachment style & then offer some tips as how to heal, where necessary, from the attachment style templates we may have developed from our early years. I summarise the main criticisms of attachment theory & conclude with a tip for an additional source of information & help should you like to know more about this topic.
Attachment theory is a psychological framework that was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s & expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s and 1970s. The theory proposes that human beings are born with an innate need to form attachments to other people, particularly their primary caregivers, in order to ensure survival and well-being.
According to attachment theory, infants and young children form emotional bonds with their caregivers through a process of repeated interactions, such as being fed, comforted, and held. These interactions help to establish a sense of security and trust in the child, which provides a foundation for future relationships and emotional development.
‘The need for attachment is a primary motivational system, like hunger or thirst.’
Allan Schore reminds us:
‘The relationship between caregiver and child is not just important, it is everything. It is the crucible in which the self is formed.’
So it is clear that many experts take the view that ‘good enough attachment’ is not merely a ‘nice-to-have’ - it is a ‘need-to-have’; really it’s a ‘must-have-or-else!’
John Bowlby was the originator of attachment theory. He makes clear the vitalness of the bond between an infant & their caregiver. Bowlby’s early work focused on the impact of maternal deprivation on children's emotional development, and he conducted a series of influential studies on the effects of institutional care on children's attachment patterns. His research helped to establish the importance of early attachment experiences for a child's emotional well-being, and influenced the development of policies around childcare and parenting practices.
‘The quality of our early attachment experiences shapes our expectations and capacities for intimacy, empathy, and self-regulation throughout our lives.’
Sue Johnson
There are four main types of attachment styles that can develop based on the quality of the interactions between the child and caregiver. Bowlby developed the first three styles & the forth was added by later practitioners.
These attachment styles are:
1) secure attachment:
This occurs when the caregiver is consistently responsive, available, and sensitive to the child's needs, which helps the child feel secure and confident. Secure attachment refers to infants who are able to use their caregiver as a secure base from which to explore their environment, and who seek comfort from the caregiver when they are distressed.
Approximately 50-60% of adults are classified as having a secure attachment style, which means they are comfortable with intimacy and feel secure in their relationships.
If the following statement applies to you it is possible you are fortunate enough to have a secure attachment style:
Generally I find it easy to get close to others and am comfortable relying on them and having them rely on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. In short, I find it relatively easy to love and trust.
2) anxious-ambivalent attachment:
This occurs when the caregiver is inconsistently responsive, leading the child to become anxious and uncertain about their relationship with the caregiver. Anxious-ambivalent attachment refers to infants who are clingy and anxious even when the caregiver is present, and who may become very upset when the caregiver leaves.
Approximately 20-25% of adults are classified as having an anxious/preoccupied attachment style, which means they tend to worry about being abandoned or rejected by their partner and may be clingy or demanding in their relationships. One longs to be intimate with others but is continuously scared of being letdown and often precipitates crises in relationships through counter-productively aggressive behaviour.
If the following statement applies to you it is possible you have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style:
I find that others are not keen to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to be very intimate with my partner but this sometimes scares people away.
3) avoidant attachment:
This occurs when the caregiver is consistently unresponsive, leading the child to become emotionally distant and avoidant.
Approximately 20-25% of adults are classified as having a dismissive/avoidant attachment style, which means they are uncomfortable with intimacy and tend to keep others at a distance in their relationships. It feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal.
If the following statement applies to you it is possible you have an avoidant attachment style:
I am often uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust others fully, difficult to allow myself to rely on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, & often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.
4) disorganised attachment - a blend of anxious & avoidant attachment styles:
The origins of disorganised attachment can often be traced back to a caregiver who is emotionally unavailable, neglectful, abusive or otherwise inconsistent in their responses. This can lead the child to feel confused and uncertain about their relationship with the caregiver. In disorganised attachment, children may exhibit contradictory behaviours, such as approaching their caregiver for comfort while also appearing frightened or avoiding contact with them altogether.
This can lead to a breakdown in the child's ability to regulate their emotions, and may result in a range of psychological and behavioural problems later in life, including depression, anxiety, substance misuse & difficulty forming healthy relationships.
I suspect I may have a disorganised style of attachment but I could be wrong. As a child my hero was my Dad & unfortunately he was a tortured soul. Dad was acutely mentally unwell with pernicious addiction issues & Dad flipped from being wonderful to terrifying with rapid & unpredictable mood swings. There was a lot of joy & love in my childhood too but I suspect I have carried some of my early scars into some of my present-day relationships. But just being aware of the 4 main types of attachment styles has helped me make my own unconscious habits visible to the part of my psyche that wants only the best for me. Writing this blog post has also helped a lot too. Recovery is always possible.
Below are some key characteristics of someone with a disorganised attachment style & to some degree I recognise many of them in me.
Fear and avoidance of intimacy:
Adults with disorganised attachment may fear intimacy and avoid close relationships. They may struggle with trust issues, and may be prone to withdrawing from relationships when they feel threatened or overwhelmed.
Conflicted emotions and behaviours:
Adults with disorganised attachment may experience conflicting emotions and behaviours in relationships, such as seeking out closeness but then pushing others away.
Difficulty regulating emotions:
Adults with disorganised attachment may struggle with emotional regulation, and may experience intense emotional reactions that feel overwhelming or uncontrollable.
Disorientation and dissociation:
Adults with disorganised attachment may experience disorientation or dissociation in relationships, feeling disconnected from their own emotions and the emotions of others.
Difficulty with boundaries:
Adults with disorganised attachment may struggle with boundaries in relationships, and may have difficulty setting and respecting boundaries with others.
Trauma-related symptoms:
Adults with disorganised attachment may experience symptoms related to past trauma, such as flashbacks or intrusive thoughts.
If you recognise your attachment style to be any other than secure (most of us!) then the following are things that can help us heal:
Seek therapy:
A trained therapist can help you explore the root causes of your attachment style & develop strategies for building healthier relationships. A therapist may use a variety of techniques, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy, attachment-focused therapy, or trauma-focused therapy, to help you work through your emotions and develop new coping mechanisms.
Practice mindfulness:
Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can help you stay grounded and centred when you are experiencing overwhelming emotions. Mindfulness can also help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, and develop a greater sense of self-awareness.
Learn healthy communication skills:
Attachment styles (other than secure) can often result in difficulties with communication and relating to others. Learning healthy communication skills, such as active listening and assertiveness, can help you form more positive relationships with others and improve your overall well-being.
Build a support network:
Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family members can help you feel more connected and less isolated. Building a support network can also provide you with a safe space to explore your emotions and share your experiences.
Take care of yourself:
Self-care is an essential part of dealing with challenging attachment styles. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally can help you build resilience and cope with the challenges of disorganised attachment. This can include things like exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment.
Attachment theory has been widely researched and applied across a variety of fields, but it is not without its criticisms. Some of the main criticisms of attachment theory are:
Overemphasis on mother-infant bond:
Attachment theory has been criticised for placing too much emphasis on the mother-infant bond and not adequately considering the role of fathers and other caregivers in attachment relationships.
Limited cultural applicability:
Some critics argue that attachment theory is based on a Western, individualistic perspective and may not be applicable to non-Western cultures or collectivistic societies.
Lack of consideration of individual differences:
Attachment theory is criticised for not taking into account individual differences in attachment styles and behaviours.
Deterministic view of development:
Critics argue that attachment theory takes a deterministic view of development, suggesting that early experiences with caregivers will have a lasting impact on attachment styles and future relationships.
Limited attention to social context:
Some critics argue that attachment theory doesn't give enough attention to social and contextual factors, such as socioeconomic status, cultural norms, and historical and political contexts, that can influence attachment relationships.
Confounding of attachment with other constructs:
Some researchers argue that attachment theory has been confounded with related constructs such as temperament, personality, and social cognition, leading to conceptual and methodological confusion.
It is worth noting that while these criticisms raise valid concerns, attachment theory remains a widely accepted and influential framework for understanding social and emotional development.
Like many psychological theories it is wise not to be a slave to these ideas. But it seems to me that being able to view our relationship style habits through the lens of ‘attachment styles’ can help us form healthier & more satisfying relationships throughout our lives.
I hope this blog post has given you an idea of how Bowlby's work has had a profound impact on our understanding of child development & parenting, and why it has influenced the fields of psychology, psychiatry & social work. Bowlby’s ideas continue to be studied and debated by researchers and practitioners around the world & are as relevant today as they were in the 1950s.
If there is one thing we could do to improve our relationships, it is to know which of the four attachment categories we predominantly belong to – and to deploy the knowledge in love so as to warn ourselves and others of the traps we might stumble into.
‘Attachment is not a one-time event, but a lifelong process of learning how to trust, communicate, and connect with others.’ - Daniel J. Siegel
It is well worth being aware that we have an above average likelihood to fall in love with someone from another other vulnerable group. It is common for those with anxious styles to be attracted to those with avoidant behaviours. This can increase our insecurities and defences in the process.
Positive change is possible if we are prepared to do the internal work. We do not need to be at the mercy of our conscious or subconscious wounds. Our attachment styles do not need to dictate our futures. Healing is always possible at any time in our lives. I really do understand how tempting it is not to look at the ‘shadow side’ of our minds - it is difficult & sometimes painful work.Yet here is a key idea that gives me the motivation to do the hard work of self-reflection that I hope might help you too:
go within or go without
If you’d like to know more about attachment styles - the link below gives you access to some excellent resources:
https://www.attachmentproject.com
