alone not lonely

Loneliness is a subjective feeling of social isolation or disconnectedness, often characterised by a sense of emptiness, sadness, or longing for human connection. It can be experienced by anyone regardless of their social status, age, gender, or culture. Loneliness can be caused by various factors such as social, emotional, or physical isolation, lack of meaningful relationships, or personal circumstances such as grief or illness. It is different from being alone, as a person can feel lonely even when surrounded by others, while being alone can be a choice or a temporary state of being.

‘All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people

Where do they all belong?’

Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles

some key reasons for feeling lonely:

lack of meaningful connections:

Just being around people is not enough to prevent feelings of loneliness. We need to feel that we have meaningful connections with others, and that they understand and care about us. If we don't have these kinds of connections, if people don’t empathise with our values & goals, we can feel isolated and disconnected even when we're in a crowded room.

‘The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.’ - Mother Teresa

social anxiety:

For some people, being around others can trigger feelings of anxiety and self-consciousness. They may worry about being judged or rejected by others, and this can make it difficult to connect with others even when they want to.

This is a significant challenge for me. My mind often ruminates relentlessly. I can focus on regrets or guilt about the past or experience anxiety as I project about possible troubles in the future. I often find it very difficult simply to remain in the present. I can find just listening to others, especially if it’s small talk, very difficult. I find it very hard to concentrate during films - my mind wanders & I ‘zone out’. These days I much prefer to watch films at home so I can regularly pause them & rewind them if necessary.

mismatched expectations:

Sometimes our expectations for social interactions don't match up with reality. We may expect to feel a certain way when we're around others, but when we don't meet those expectations, we can feel disappointed and lonely. Nearly every time I organise a social gathering I am left with a mild sense of sadness & aloneness - an emotional hang-over.

past experiences:

Past experiences of rejection, loss, or trauma can make it difficult to trust others and form meaningful connections. This can lead to feelings of loneliness even when we're surrounded by people who genuinely care about us.

stigma

Feeling lonely still seems to carry some stigma in society. As if admitting to feeling or being lonely suggests you have 'failed at life' or are somehow less dynamic than those that wizz around. Those that work a demanding job, juggling child care with hanging out with a group of cool friends surely have a fuller life than I who spends a lot of my time alone & researching & writing? I’ve noticed that it is particularly difficult for young people to admit to feeling lonely, as if loneliness is something that should only affect the old.

personal experiences:

Feeling lonely is something I know very well. For many years I would say loneliness has probably been the issue that has caused me the most distress. But interestingly, over the last few years or so I seem to have made peace with my feelings of loneliness. Why? I think a few things have helped. I've made a point of being honest about my loneliness & while quite a difficult thing to do, this seems to have reduced my feelings of shame around it.

‘The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.’ - Michel de Montaigne

As I've grown more comfortable with my sense of loneliness I've realised that being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Physically my reality is I really don't see many people from day to day. Sometimes the only people I see are those I observe through my lounge window who are walking their dogs & playing with their children in the park. I escape to a world of fantasy & try & guess what their day-to-day existences are like. Are they married? Are they happy? Does their job fulfil them? Are they considering having an affair with their personal trainer? It's fun.

As I reflect over my life I realise that I'm actually probably the most alone yet least lonely I have ever been. I’m a funny fish really. A bit too intense for many & have a habit of saying inappropriate things that can shock people. I find small talk very anxiety producing and don't enjoy it much. My preferred position in any social situation is to be on the edge of the circle with a clear view of the exit. Even in the most benign situations I’m often in a state of hyper-vigilance ever-ready to fight, flight or freeze. I also seem to feel responsible for the welfare of those around me. That it’s up to me to keep everyone safe & happy - both physically & emotionally.

Looking back I realise that although I was often surrounded by people - friends, family, colleagues, deep-down I felt very lonely in the midst of company. Not a reflection on the lovely people in my life - I really am blessed with some amazing humans in my life. But I seem to have a sadness in my soul that follows me around and I've learnt over the years to often keep this feeling a secret or repress it or hold it down.

I've had a few lovely romances in my life but again often essentially felt lonely while in my partner's company. Again, nothing to do with them. And despite many years of therapy I haven't been able to quite work out why I always keep people at arms length.

So why do I feel the least lonely of my life? Because I'm learning to simply be myself as much as possible. To be honest. To be vulnerable. And I probably like myself more now than at any other time in my life. And I love my days of reading, writing, watching documentaries and engaging telephone calls with my wonderful friends and family.

And at the ripe old age of 48 I've come to the conclusion that I love my own company. That I'm often at my happiest, chilling on my sofa, sipping tea and looking at the beautiful trees blowing in the breeze outside my flat.

‘Language... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone.’ - Paul Tillich

What I've realised about socialising is that you generally have to balance honesty against acceptability and conviviality. And my default setting is to present as 'happy-go-lucky' most of the time so I guess I'm often not being truly authentic or honest? It's probably a trade-off that many of us make, so if you excuse the pun, I'm not alone in this!

From the personal to the philosophical: what do existential philosophers say about loneliness?

‘The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.’ - Norman Cousins

Existential philosophers have written extensively about loneliness and its relationship to the human condition. Here are some key ideas from a few influential existential philosophers:

Jean-Paul Sartre:

Sartre argued that loneliness is an inevitable part of the human experience because we are fundamentally separate from others. He believed that we are each ‘condemned to freedom’ and must create our own meaning in a world that is indifferent to us. According to Sartre, loneliness arises from our awareness of this fundamental separation and our struggle to find meaning in a world that seems meaningless.

‘We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.’ - Orson Welles

I’ve often thought that sexual intercourse can be viewed as a futile attempt to fuse with another being. For a brief moment we are physically connected. Yet post-orgasm I’m left with a slight sense of sadness as I realise that I’m again a separate being that will always be separate even from the partner I love.

Martin Heidegger:

Heidegger saw loneliness as an essential aspect of our existence, which he called ‘being-in-the-world.’ He believed that we are always already in a state of loneliness because we are always aware of our own mortality and the inevitability of our own death. According to Heidegger, loneliness can be a source of anxiety, but it can also lead us to a deeper understanding of our own existence.

Friedrich Nietzsche:

Nietzsche believed that loneliness was a necessary condition for creativity and personal growth. He argued that those who embrace their loneliness can achieve a greater sense of individuality and self-awareness, which can lead to greater creativity and innovation. Nietzsche also saw loneliness as a means of transcending societal norms and expectations, which he believed could be limiting.

Existential philosophers see loneliness as an inherent part of the human condition, but they also see it as an opportunity for growth, creativity, and self-awareness. They encourage individuals to embrace their loneliness and use it as a means of transcending the limitations of society and achieving a greater sense of individuality and purpose. I suspect far too many people get into & stay in unhealthy intimate sexual relationships just to avoid feeling lonely. I would suggest that it is not until you are completely happy being truly alone that it is wise to seek a soul mate.

The most helpful way of approaching loneliness that resonates with my existential angst is the following:

The reality is that we are born alone and we will die alone. We try and distract ourselves from this simple truth but somewhere in the back of minds is the realisation of our fate. All of us are essentially in our own boat, bobbing up and down on the waves of daily dramas and pulled this way and that, by the tide of fate. And our friends and family are on the shore waving & cheering encouragingly to us to keep on rowing. So yes, fundamentally we are all alone but it's reassuring to see those that love us and hear their kind words from where they stand on the shore or from those in boats nearby.

the need for purpose:

‘Loneliness is not lack of company, loneliness is lack of purpose.’ - Guillermo Maldonado

Guillermo Maldonado, a pastor and author, suggests that loneliness is not just about the absence of other people, but also about the absence of a sense of purpose or meaning in one's life. This is very true for me. Creating buddi bench has hugely reduced my feelings of loneliness. I have a purpose & a passion. Alone time is now an opportunity for me to think about what I want to create next - what I want to put out into the universe. Who I want to contact. How to achieve my goals.

In this view, a person can be surrounded by others and still feel lonely if they lack a sense of direction, fulfilment, or connection to something larger than themselves. Similarly, a person who is alone but has a clear sense of purpose and meaning may not feel lonely at all.

Maldonado's statement suggests that addressing loneliness requires more than just social connection, but also a deeper sense of purpose and meaning in life. This could involve identifying one's values and goals, finding ways to contribute to others or to a larger cause, or exploring spirituality or a sense of connection to the divine.

some tips to reduce feelings of loneliness:

reach out to others:

Take the initiative to connect with people, whether it's through phone calls, text messages, or in-person interactions. Join social groups, clubs, or classes that align with your interests and provide opportunities to meet new people. It’s tempting to sometimes feel sorry for ourselves if a day passes & we complain that no-one has wanted to connect with us. Much wiser for us to focus on who we could reach out to & connect with first.

cultivate meaningful relationships:

Invest time and effort into developing close relationships with people who understand and support you. This can be friends, family members, or romantic partners who share your interests and values.

practice self-care:

Take care of your physical and emotional health by getting enough sleep, exercise, and healthy food. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find fulfilling, such as reading, drawing, or practicing a hobby.

make peace with negative thoughts:

When you notice negative thoughts creeping in, it is wise to respond to our inner-dialogue with patience & compassion. Much like a loving mother might to a young child. Practice reframing negative thoughts into more positive and realistic ones.

seek professional help:

If feelings of loneliness persist and interfere with your daily life, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide support, guidance, and strategies to help you manage your emotions and improve your relationships.

Do also remember to take advantage of your local buddi bench & connect with fellow humans!

I’ll end on this poignant metaphor which illustrates the power of perspective and the importance of community & empathy.

What is the difference between heaven & hell?

They are exactly the same.

People are placed in either heaven or hell, each with a long spoon and a pot of delicious food just out of reach. In hell, the people are starving because they can't reach the food with their long spoons, but in heaven, the people are well-fed because they use their long spoons to feed each other.

The difference between heaven and hell is not the environment or circumstances, but rather the behaviour and attitude of the people. The people in heaven are able to create a positive and fulfilling experience for themselves and others by working together and practicing empathy, while those in hell are stuck in a cycle of selfishness and isolation.

This analogy reminds us to be more compassionate & to seek out ways to help others, as well as to reinforce the truth that our own happiness and well-being are interconnected with the happiness and well-being of those around us.

‘The greatest thing is just to love & be loved in return.’ Moulin Rouge